It’s been a long time. A lot has happened.
- I left my job on Monday
- I went shooting with Dio and Dustin, in one of the more insane experiences of my life
- I went to Stanford and met up with a ton of people
- EthGlobal SF is tomorrow
Truth be told, I don’t know if much of this is worth writing about. It’s stuff that I’ll figure out with time.
My relationship with Vivi has surprised me most in many ways. She’s so incredibly secure, bright, and the overall healthy-ness of it has been completely astounding. It’s as if she was in it from the long run from the first date (as I was). It feels like we’re both rolling a stone downhill, rather than me trying to push a boulder uphill alone. It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced. I love her more every day that passes.
I think I’m going to lease an apartment in Beltline for 3-6mo starting in January. That way, she can take the train. Sadly, she isn’t allowed to stay over at other people’s places (not even her middle school girl best friend), so my expectation isn’t that she sleeps over, although I hope so. I mostly want that place because it’s a downtown high rise; I’ve never lived downtown, nor in a high rise, and it seems appealing.
In some way, I live life for the possibility “positive prediction error” — when things go better than I could have dreamed. It’s not that Vivi is a large part of the reason that I am happier to take time to myself and not rush things, but her existence makes the decision much easier. I don’t feel like I “have” to do things to stay sane.
Yesterday we talked about what romance vs platonic love was. I wrote the following:
in a very literal sense
- physical attraction/sex
- quantity/quality of time spend together (i can spend a week with a close friend, but I don’t sleep in the same bed as them or spend ambient mornings and evenings around them)
- obligations: i might ask for things from friends but there’s no obligation. vs for my partner, I expect them to text back when free, hang out X times a week if they can, i accompany them, and that they attend this and that thing. rompantic relationships have more explicit contracts.
- the romantic contract just tends to demand more from both people— instead of just living close, you live in the same house, instead of hanging out twice a week, you hang out every single day, you have to get along with each other’s family, etc.
traits which distinguish romantic relationships for me
- attraction/desire
- extreme desire to be emotionally and physically close
- intense passion — thinking of love object absurdly frequently
- future oriented
- building a life together! (if you stick around beyond 20)
- want to show physical affection; urge to hold hands, touch knees, etc.
- embracing of imperfections; i’m annoyed that you wouldn’t want to stick around after 20, but it’s so extremely you that it’s endearing too. we all pay a price for our qualities and to celebrate another’s imperfection is “love”. everything is simply a part of who we are.
- would you pursue long distance with most people? probably not? i definitely wouldn’t have, especially 1wk irl.
- ”There are people who get to know me and are like, I can’t live like this. I can’t tolerate your problems. And I’ve certainly felt that way about lots of people: the good things about you do not outweigh the bad parts. I don’t want to stay. That is okay. That’s natural and healthy. But the goal, I think, is to find a tradeoff that you more than tolerate—someone who makes you think, you’re so imperfect, and I’m so lucky. I can’t believe I get to spend my life with you. There’s a difference between a good deal and a deal that makes you in particular feel lucky.”
But then she said that she does most of this with her friends; and the only difference she could feel between romantic and platonic love was sex, but also a deep obsession with one person. Is this normal? Is that deep obsession she feels for a person what romance/love is?
At one point last night, I asked her if she would still spend every evening on Facetime for 2-5 hours if it was a purely platonic context. She said she would without a doubt, but she thought that I definitely wouldn’t. I thought about it for a few minutes and agreed; I wouldn’t be talking to her nearly as much if I didn’t see romantic possibility. It’s sort of weird to think about; I like so many aspects of her, but still the main driver of the closeness is, by her own definition, physical intimacy/sex. I guess the difference on her side is that women have physical touch from their close friendships, so any physical intimacy to me infers romance.
Though I definitely believe that I like her and her presence for many more reasons than physical intimacy (did I mention she’s insanely pretty, smart/analytical, rational, secure, etc.), it really could be boiled down to just that; the connection I feel and the upside that I capture from her life (a life together, marriage, kids, etc.) is somewhat downstream of sex too. I guess there is some implicit contract that I’m in it for the romance (for whatever definition) and wouldn’t be around if it wasn’t for romance. I remember writing about how Oana felt the need to have sex with some guy because she thought they wouldn’t be close it if it wasn’t for romance. I’m seeing it a little more than I previously did. I didn’t think of myself to be so “transactional”, but it’s true; I really don’t need more friends.