Yesterday I bought a couple pounds of Hershey’s cookies and cream. Terrible idea, I binge ate them and couldn’t sleep from the sugar. I took a nap at 10AM as a result.
Some incredibly depressing journals the past few days and I’m really not making much progress on anything, so I’ll shelf those for today and try and not think about it for some words.
I went to Lowes nearby to buy a plant to have something to take care of/remind me of home while I’m in SF. There was a plant called a “Yellow mum” which I thought was funny; I have a yellow mum. I ended up buying the white one since I didn’t really like yellow plants (it was really yellow). It hasn’t bloomed yet, but I have it on the back porch and I’m excited for when it blooms.
I think in some ways escapism is very appealing to me. Too appealing? If I’m absorbed with work I can’t be distracted with existentialism or thinking about death. I’m not really one to be a proleptic worrier/griever; I can’t remember a single case in which I was. But it’s kind of hard not to be when the figure is your literal mother; the very fabric of my reality would change.
One of the more reassuring things I’d read was from Sam Altman’s blog:
Existential angst is part of life. It is particularly noticeable around major life events or just after major career milestones. It seems to particularly affect smart, ambitious people. I think one of the reasons some people work so hard is so they don’t have to spend too much time thinking about this. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling this way; you are not alone.
I’ve been writing a lot about love recently, so that seems like another logical topic for escapism.
The first thing Oana asked me when I arrived back at 113 Gates was “are there any GIRLSSSSSSS?” to which, for once, I answered, “yeah, there is!” and I showed her a pic from my wallet.
We were talking last night about historically, intersexual friendships are really rare; it’s a cultural trend that men/women after a certain age are not only friends.
She had a scenario in which she wanted to be friends with a guy, but she knew that that guy wouldn’t put in the effort into the friendship if it wasn’t partially romantic. In her own words, “we could go on a walk, but how many times would you want to go on a walk with a friend?” So, she was considering sex that she didn’t want, in order to maintain some level of closeness. To say that this sounded absurd to me; I asked her if this was an age thing? She said it was; she said she wished she could have a “high school relationship” where there was physical touch, romantic emotional closeness, but no sex, or sex only when both parties wanted it badly. She said that all the men she met only wanted sex. This was rather disappointing to hear; I value my female friendships, even if they only stay friends. Maybe the complexity of life as one ages makes it infeasible? Or is this purely a cultural/media thing, and the current generation will be better?
I would choc this up to Oana being mildly insane romance-wise, but it makes sense with respect to most dating advice, which can be summarized by “get physical asap” . How is it that modern courtship involves sex on the first date (and if not the first, definitely the first few)? I barely get to know anyone after 3 dates even if they’re several hours long each. And male and female friendship is rarely depicted in media; it’s always some couple falling in love, and otherwise, the genders stay largely separate.
I also asked her why she was poly. A few days ago, she mentioned that 113 Gates contained some of the only monogamous people she knows in SF (admittedly, AI safety people might be genuinely mentally insane). This was especially confusing to me because she was ultimately seeking a life partner/husband. She mentioned that she just didn’t have the time to monogamously date for 2 years, then break up; she wanted a husband by the time she was 30 so she could have kids.
This actually makes sense. It makes me realize how “wealthy” I am with my youth; anything is possible, I have the time, and it’s important to realize the value of it all.
Shun’s package arrived today. I’m dead serious when I say it brought tears to my eyes; the contract was so unbelievably cute. The pokemon have now been distributed to their righteous owners, and I kept Eugene’s Totoro, and my piplup/squirtle on my desk. I can’t wait to tell Vivi about her polywag when I’m back in Calgary. I’m so incredibly thankful, I really don’t have words. I feel so loved.
Was really needing a sprinkle of “personality” in my SF space; my walls are empty, my desk is barren with just my computer and some boxes. Now it feels a lot more home-ley.
LUB NOKIDOKIII.