Fun day exercise-wise. I biked 20km to Inglewood Bird Sanctuary to meet my “name neighbour” Stanley Zhang. Dad came along! Then I biked 40km with Stanley Zhang as dad took a nap, and we all biked home.
It was all a slower pace than I’d like, but whatever, that’s not at all what it was about. I wanted to do 100km for the first time, but whatever, that can wait for another day; I can definitely do it, 80km over 4 hours was zero effort whatsoever, and I did 35kph for 20min in the middle of it. Could prob hold 35kph for 4+ hours (~162bpm).
To be honest I feel pretty lonely in Calgary these days; there’s nobody I can share true emotions/thoughts with; nobody whom I have solid context over their life, problems they face, what they’re excited about, and vice versa they have context on me. So I’m just sitting here in a pool of displeasure and annoyance by myself. The dog’s gone to sleep so I can’t even squish her paw.
I have a ton of “context specific” friends that I have a good time with; I cycle with Stanley, I play badminton with Nolan/Eddie/etc. But there’s nobody that I have deep discussions with. I really crave people for whom I go “damn, I really wanna know how your brain works, what makes you tick, gimme everything”. Back in SF, whether it was Oana, Chelsea, Trinh, Nish, I could have deep in person conversations about life. But here I’m just… typing it to myself. And it’s not really the same not having someone else to reflect alongside and listen to them too. I’m really bad at making close friends; I’ve somehow spent 20 years in Calgary and I don’t have a single close friend anymore??? I’m not entirely sure why I’m so awful at it either? Realistically, Sunny/Zach/Seabert are all gone to university, but even then, in my past 3 years, I’ve met… nobody I’ve bidirectionally clicked with??? Out of hundreds of people?
I wonder if it’s moreso that I never got to know people well enough and they were actually compatible, or if I straight up don’t meet compatible people in Calgary. I swear I relate a lot more to Calgarians than SF people though; it’s a cope that career is such a large barrier to closeness. Maybe it’s moreso that I’m “lower value”/held in lower regard in Calgary? But even then, is that really the barrier? Overall, I think compatibility is a bit of a cope; sure SF is filled with young tech people like myself. But effort should outweigh it? I think I’ve put in a lot of effort into maintaining my friendships over the last few months. I really don’t get what I’m doing wrong. But it’s been really quite lonely here recently. I’ve met a decent number of new people recently at badminton and today, and none of it has satiated anything.
I guess I hear others having troubles taking friends out of context; Seabert said that none of his friends came from classes (he made one friend at Jumpstart, UBC’s orientation), and Shez said that he mostly stuck with HS friends. But it’s still a disappointing prospect. Why was it so easy to make lifelong, deep friendships as a kid, and it’s practically impossible as an adult?
I’m even perfectly willing to “get hurt” — I’m the one putting in the effort to initiate hang outs, I always plan, pay for coffee/dessert. I’d never do that in the past, ever, and yet I have a much harder time? I guess I’m sampling a heavy tail distribution in much the same way I did for my career, for which it took many years to pan out. I hope this is the same. I had this realization last year that I still think about on occasion.
It’s fine that I don’t meet people I vibe with. It’s also fine that people I meet that I vibe with aren’t interested in me, it’s part of the process. But it feels so goddamned lonely in this city, I’m not gonna lie. 1.2 million people and still I have only myself. I guess the level of closeness I desire is one which individuals tend to only share with a few people and their life partner; and at my age, these relationships have already been established. Weird comparison, but now I’m imagining myself at a motel that has a large sign saying “NO VACANCIES”, trying to find a hotel room.
I JUST WANNA COMMISERATE AT A SOMEWHAT REGULAR CADENCE WITH SOMEONE WHOM I FIND SMART AND OPEN MINDED IRL IN CALGARY IS THIS TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR???
I might just fly to SF next week, why can’t I, literally just need to get my dental fillings and then I can fk off whenever I want.
I really enjoyed having late night talks or calls when I was in SF. Like, maybe the most additive emotional thing I’ve ever discovered. I don’t know what it is about sleeping late. But I saw some tweet that went something like “biggest black pill I have for going to bed early is that 80%+ of defining moments that solidify relationships happen between 11pm and 5am” and it’s so true. Not even just romantic relationships, but I feel like I know so much more about my SF roommates just because we spent time talking late at night; similarly with calling Sarah late at night. It’s so so so so so so enjoyable.
ugh i hate that i’m getting so old i just saw the number of months on my typeracer history chart (it’s split into months, since march 2021) and went “what the FUCK that’s a shitload of months”. it doesn’t feel that long ago. is it really so long ago?! what have i done in that time…
Also what the FUCK eth tagged 2.1k today lmao holy shit I’m so fucking glad I didn’t market buy $REDACTED usd of it with my Terbi Labs funds, jfc. Procrastinating my taxes saved my ass so hard.
Anyways, a lighter topic.
I promised fit pics in a previous journal so here’s some fit ideas. I was too lazy to wear actual shoes so excuse the slippers. And also too lazy to change the shirt, but white shirts go with everything reasonably well so whatever.
I think all the paints are a bit baggier than I’d like them to be. But I stole them off dad so they’re from a fairly different era; I’ll learn how to pinroll cuff them later and it should be a bit better. But I like these fits in general! Middle one probably goes hard with a white tshirt instead of a white oxford cloth button down.
Anyways it’s 2am so I’m off to bed. Will probably contemplate my various social interactions and wtf I did to deserve this loneliness for the next few hours in bed. Joy!