I think I got Vivi the perfect card; mom was with me at Market Mall yesterday and I was like “hmm I kinda want a card with fishes”. There was one from a local Canadian artist, and I turned it around, and the piece was called “camera shy”. Oddly perfect. I got her some Lululemon hair ties since she always wears a bun, and some Instax film for her camera, and a Minecraft code so that we can have dates while I’m long distance.
I wrote in it
”Vivi!!
It’s been such a pleasure getting to know you over the past while. Even though I might not be a short walk from campus anymore, I don’t want that to be the end of the great times we’ve had.
I figured we could keep exploring new worlds together, so here’s a Minecraft game code:
Looking forward to more adventures with you (virtual and real ones)!
Stanley”
Was listening to a podcast — “The key to relationships is high hopes, and low expectations. The reason people get hurt in the courtship process is that they get ahead of themselves. Never expect past the present moment — if you match on a app, don’t expect a message. If you set up a first date, don’t expect them to show up. The problem with a lot of men have so little optionality and so much hunger; certainly guys can be desperate and horny, but there’s a real need in men to connect with women. And it can be excruciating when he isn’t able to succeed in doing that.”
And I was like “oh shit, I literally just broke that cycle.” That’s what got me every time; it feels like the secret to so many human interactions is that it doesn’t matter what you do, as long as your actions aren’t from neediness. You can only have what you want if you’re not trying too hard to get it. In a way, that’s what makes the second time around so much easier in job hunting/dating; not only that you’re more familiar, but you’re not coming from a perspective of neediness. I can simultaneously appreciate what I have now, while not extrapolating my expectations to some outcome in the future, especially with the uncertainty of long distance. We’re hanging out tomorrow again and I’m excited for that and I’m sure it’ll be a positive outcome, but also, anything else is purely a bonus.
That podcast also cultivated some more thoughts. My mom always talked at length about family dynamics; at first, I dismissed it as bullshit, but she was right — single parent children have worse outcomes in every relationship outcome measured across many different meta analyses. It’s important for people to heal themselves with respect to their emotional wounding; a lot of what people mistake for love is actually just the experience of familiarity. We all have certain templates for how love feels and what relationships look like, which were unconsciously cultivated in our families of origin; we don’t question those models as adolescents. If one is fortunate enough to have a secure household with parents who stayed together and were warm and loving and peaceful, that’s like winning the lottery; one’s template resonates with SO’s where one can replicate that relationship, which is great for long term stability. If one isn’t as fortunate, one’s model would be based on an imperfect childhood. And one would tend to get involved with the wrong people because there was someone with that person that reminded one of a dynamic that existed in one’s family. The love/attraction they felt was actually mis-recognized familiarity. Freud called this the “repetition compulsion”. He observed that patients would have the same problems with him as their therapist, that they talk about having with their parents/partners/others in their lives. But people unconsciously seek out what was engrained in them by their childhood, because they want to change it. They tell themselves “I’m going to get into that same story and I’m going to write a different answer”. “We repeat until we remember”, says Freud; but after repeating the same story so many times, you don’t know how to write a different answer, you only know how to write the story the way it’s current written.
I believe our life-long quest to find a romantic partner, is not only to evolutionarily reproduce, but also a subconscious urge to heal. Finding a partner that triggers your trauma, but creates a different outcome, is one of the most efficient ways to re-pattern trauma. “He is angry like my dad, but he quickly realizes it and metabolizes his anger into love.” The best partners play a role in your healing, but never usurp your own ability to heal yourself. They hold you, while you hold yourself. Based people will recognize potential partners who not only trigger them in good and bad ways (chemistry), but also have the emotional and spiritual maturity to create a different outcome. If you only have the former, but not the latter - you’ll get a toxic relationship and recapitulate family dynamics (same triggers and outcomes) without much consciousness.
In some way, spending time around Trinh/Justin and Chelsea/Nish has reworked my base case around relationships — that you really can make almost anything work with enough effort (whether one wants to is a different story). But that it is possible that effort goes so far. It’s the first time in my life I spent so much time around completely healthy, securely attached relationships, and it practically changed my personality. Befriending people who are good communicators can make you a better communicator. Befriending people who are trustworthy makes you more trusting. Secure attachment can be a learned thing.
I was reading some absolutely insane people on Lesswrong about how they stopped limerence by taking some sugar derivative called Inositol. I’m kinda curious, but also… I wonder if I would “turn off” limerence if I could? It’s a blip in rationality, which is something I generally dislike. But also, it’s such an important part of the “human experience”, no? I don’t think I will this time.
The first virtue is curiosity. A burning itch to know is higher than a solemn vow to pursue truth. To feel the burning itch of curiosity requires both that you be ignorant, and that you desire to relinquish your ignorance. If in your heart you believe you already know, or if in your heart you do not wish to know, then your questioning will be purposeless and your skills without direction. Curiosity seeks to annihilate itself; there is no curiosity that does not want an answer. The glory of glorious mystery is to be solved, after which it ceases to be mystery. Be wary of those who speak of being open-minded and modestly confess their ignorance.