I met Rachael and her brother, Richard today. We had a great conversation over the course of a few hours, and played another hour or two of hold ‘em at the end. I haven’t seen them in a while but always thought Rachael has the general personality of a lot of my closer friends over the past several years; super modest, mature, focused, independent. I think we have a decent amount of chemistry/common upbringing. And yet I’m extremely ambivalent about it all.
She’s definitely a kind person if a bit shy (though much less shy than I remembered?) In any case, it’s valuable experience. Cool part is that she’s somehow independently gotten into badminton, so I’ll see her at badminton more over the next few weeks when I’m still in Calgary.
But I can’t help but feel it was a bit different with Sarah, where after our first call, it felt like I knew her and she knew me at a deeper level than I know most people. Maybe to some degree me “instantaneously” having a fascination with Sarah was out of my own assumptions of who she was, which then turned to be self fulfilling over time? And maybe some aspect of my interactions with Rachael is my subconscious attempt to be detached, since I won’t be in Calgary much? It’s honestly hard to distinguish.
Honestly, what was I DOING in Calgary consciously not going outside and meeting nobody for 3 whole YEARS from 2020-23??? Some prime years wasted, quite a shame.
This is a super late night, weird, abstract thought. But modern relationships feel so odd. In the past there was always some actual “need” for the relationship; someone to feed the sheep while you plough the fields, or that you both needed to combine incomes in order to make a living. Or, y’know, kids, back in the days everyone had 10 kids. Nowadays, the focus when dating is on if one’s current partner is the “best” they “can do”. The shitty response is because people should “settle”, but that’s wrong since it’s just the flipside of the same pattern. I think if I ever say “is this person the best I can do” after a few months, it’s probably better to just leave. There has to be some level of codependence in a relationship, but the trend has been towards an individual’s independence — often for the better financial-wise (women make more and are more educated than ever). But on the flipside, kids have historically been a common “why”, but they’re no longer a given; more relationships than ever are childfree (although this is still a strong “why” for me). In a way, I think it’s not an unreasonable assumption that most of the “why” behind modern relationships is simply abating the loneliness of being single. It’s genuinely difficult to figure out what to do with each other if a couple have independent career paths, no desire for kids (or one which is far away time-wise), no interest in building the same thing (as in, housing, building a business, family, etc.) It’s almost as if culture encourages more entanglement/codependence with a business partner than a romantic partner, which is a sad reality — that relationships are more about consumption than production.
This sounds so transactional and I hate the way I put it. But maybe it’s almost impossible for someone to actually be additive to my life. I don’t feel the need to be more social than I am, plenty of people invite me to stuff in SF/elsewhere. I would feel embarrassed to spend a girl’s money. I have so much emotional support from my friends (ty !). What does anyone get out of a relationship except snuggles, and inevitable heartbreak?
My one argument against this is that relationships have the possibility for being positive sum, because you and your partner can optimize for different things (money, career, community, emotions) and reap the benefits of both of them. Maybe one’s wife enables them to be a much better earner through being second to none emotional support. Perhaps they manage community in such a way they are both more fulfilled and productive. It does seem to make sense that it’s possible to create a whole greater than the sum of its parts.
I really don’t know. I’m sure I’ll come back to this at some point and been like “lmao what an idiot, he thought he had it all figured out, but he didn’t even imagine 1% of reality”. Maybe this is overly utilitarian? It’s probably just not that deep… just something that’s hardwired into our brains, moreso “who is this person to me” than “what can this person do for me”. Perhaps a prime example is how Zoey is an absolutely useless 14lb bag of bones with an extremely stubborn rock for a brain, and yet I love her more than almost any being in the world. And I hope I can someday love a person in the same way.
I worked on some MORE Fabio shit today. The man doesn’t even pay me, wtf am I doing. Aside from doing the PR though, I’m done. So, never again. I just gotta make a PR.
This isn’t really representative of my opinion over the day, but I do tend to think about relationships more late at night. And it’s uhhh 2AM. Good night!